A skill I wish I had learned sooner: Having Difficult Conversations

I remember watching an American hospital series on streamline and being so impressed by how people, even in the most difficult circumstances, were able to express their thoughts and emotions with respect and consideration for the other person’s feelings… this made me think of my reality, only to realize that, in my culture, we are not even trying!

Some would say: “Well, I am authentic, I say what I think, the other person is responsible for how they are feeling!” Others would say: “Who has the time to choose their words in stressful situations?”

In the 4 years of studying Communication Science, I don’t remember ever approaching this topic: Assertiveness. Even today, I find it a non-user-friendly concept, easily avoidable and difficult to crack.

To simplify it, we can call it “the skill of having difficult conversations”. 

The ability to express hard feelings, big emotions, personal opinions, harsh truths, or disturbing news with respect, sincerity, empathy, and kindness, yes, even when you are the one who’s hurt.

Instead of learning how to master this, I inherited the cultural way of dealing with difficulties:

↙ Avoidance - “If we don’t talk about it, we don’t make it bigger so it goes away!”

↙ Passive aggressive remarks (we call these “throwing barbs/arrows”) – "I’m not mad, it’s just funny how you always manage to be late!"

↙ Victimization and dramatization - “So what, I am not worthy of your attention now?” I said once to my husband who was looking at his phone.

↙ People pleasing - “No, you are right, it’s not a big deal!”

But I am a true self-learner and I did change (most 🙇‍♀️) of these reactions with a much better version: 

↗ Addressing: “I see you are upset/frustrated/distant with me… can we talk about it?”

↗ Clarifying: “When you… I feel … because” – “When you look at your phone while I’m talking, I feel hurt because it seems like you’re not listening to me!”.

↗ Taking breaks: “Can we discuss this a bit later? I am too upset and emotional right now; I need to clear my mind!”

Now only imagine how personal and professional relationships, service, work performance, and everything else would look like if we applied a kindness filter or even the smallest dose of assertiveness!

Reprograming our brain patterns so that our communication skills can catch up with the speed of our emotional reactions, is very hard, the older we get. Comfortable old reactions are the go-to choice in most cases, and a post-factum apology may not fix the damages.

❓ How are you handling difficult conversations? 

❓ What have you learned the hard way when it comes to assertiveness?