"Just (Don't!) Be Yourself!"

Authenticity is a beautiful concept, and "Just be yourself" sounds very reassuring.

But at a closer look, it scares me how far from reality this piece of advice could be!

I've been told to "Just be myself" a few times in my career while asking for advice and I encouraged others to do the same.

I took it as a compliment, boosted my confidence, and believe that naturally, I am charismatic, competent, spontaneous, prepared, and emotionally intelligent.

Then, judging by how tired I was, sometimes, at the end of the day, after wearing such a heavy social mask at work (in hospitality, where everything is peachy, possible, and engaging), I started to feel like having a double life.

I worked in luxury hospitality my entire career, however, I always preferred B&Bs when traveling.

I created experiences and surprises for the guests but I preferred to be left alone and felt bothered by too much attention when I was a guest myself.

I used to follow a birthday calendar and wish everyone Happy Birthday, while all I wanted was to delete my social presence completely (and I did this for a while, what a feeling of freedom!).

I anticipated needs and served guests beyond expectations, while I was telling my guests, at home, to open the fridge and get their own drinks.

Being authentic means being honest and sincere, without pretending to be someone or something you're not, and expressing your true feelings regardless of the situation or the expectations of others.

Now, imagine being that authentic while dealing with a face-to-face escalating complaint, during a job interview, while conducting a disciplinary meeting, during an endless business call, or while offering constructive feedback to a team member ( or when your kid does something outrageous).

And there is nothing wrong with wearing a social mask!

Because that is our best version, it is where we put all our efforts into learning, improving, becoming observant, and refining our reactions for the benefit of all. With this mask on, we are charming, engaging, and happy, we recover fast from frustration and we find solutions, we push through and deliver amazing projects, we delight, and we inspire...

The sad part is that, instead of integrating these elements in our personality, creating a unified identity, we see it as pretending, as a mask that we leave at the door when we get home, and offer, to the people we love the most, our tired, dismissive, irritated, inattentive "face", just because "this is who I am, I cannot be someone else!".

Educated Authenticity

And then I redefined this concept of authenticity, to make it more digestible for me.

Working in a luxury environment taught me many lessons, and one of my favorites is that employees treat each other in the same way they treat the customers "Ladies and Gentlemen serving Ladies and Gentlemen" in The Ritz-Carlton culture.

So I became the result of what I learned and I embraced THAT version as my authentic self. This is an educated type of authenticity, where I added to my personality concepts that would bring value, to both my personal and professional life: emotional intelligence, attentive behaviors, anticipating needs, serving others, expressing my feelings assertively, being sincere without unnecessarily hurting others and much more.

This works for me and those around me, what works for you?